Eloп Mυsk declares that if the LSU Tigers do пot partпer with Tesla, he will baп LSU Tigers players aпd the eпtire state of Loυisiaпa from pυrchasiпg Tesla vehicles iп the fυtυre.
In a move as baffling as it is bold, tech mogul and self-appointed planetary overlord Elon Musk has issued a fiery ultimatum to the LSU Tigers and, astonishingly, the entire state of Louisiana: partner with Tesla or face an all-out ban from purchasing the company’s vehicles—now and forever.
Speaking during an unscheduled live stream from what appeared to be a floating office on SpaceX’s Starship, Musk delivered his decree with the gravitas of a Marvel supervillain. “If LSU doesn’t enter into a strategic partnership with Tesla by the end of this fiscal quarter, not a single Tesla will be sold to anyone with a Louisiana driver’s license,” Musk declared. “No Tigers player, coach, fan, or crawfish-boiling, gumbo-loving resident of the Bayou State will ever drive one of my cars again. Ever.”
The stunned silence from reporters was only interrupted by Musk casually sipping a can of “Tesla-Fizz” (a yet-unreleased product he described as “the kombucha of the future”) while playing the LSU fight song backward.
At first glance, the connection between a college football program and an electric vehicle empire might seem tenuous, if not completely imaginary. But according to Musk, there is deep logic behind the madness.
“College football is the new battleground for technological supremacy,” Musk explained. “We’ve already colonized space, redefined social media, and begun developing brain-computer interfaces. What’s next? Saturday night in Death Valley.”
Sources close to Musk say he has been obsessed with LSU ever since watching their 2019 national championship run led by Joe Burrow. “He refers to that team as ‘the prototype of human optimization,’” said one Tesla executive, who asked to remain anonymous. “He even tried to hire Coach Ed Orgeron to lead the Mars colonization program.”
The proposed partnership, according to Musk, would include a series of bizarre initiatives:
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Tesla-powered helmets that allow players to communicate telepathically via a Neuralink prototype.
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Self-driving team buses that would drive players to away games using only crowd noise and Cajun GPS input.
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A Tesla Gigafactory built on campus that doubles as a stadium annex and “emergency rocket silo.”
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An AI Offensive Coordinator named “Tusk the AI Tiger,” trained on the playbooks of every SEC team, Napoleon’s war tactics, and random Reddit threads.
Musk insists this is a win-win for both sides. “The Tigers will become the most technologically advanced team in college sports history. LSU will be the first team to run a quantum option offense.”
The state of Louisiana, meanwhile, is not taking the threat lightly.
Governor Mary Landrieu responded during a hastily organized press conference, flanked by LSU alums, crawfish farmers, and members of the New Orleans brass band community. “Mr. Musk’s threats are as outlandish as they are unconstitutional,” she said. “This state will not be bullied into corporate partnerships, no matter how futuristic or… deeply weird they may be.”
LSU head coach Brian Kelly, known for his bold game-day strategy and awkward attempts at a Southern accent, kept his response short: “We appreciate innovation, but we’re more focused on beating Alabama than entering into interstellar business ventures.”
Local LSU fans, however, were far more colorful.
“Is this fella serious?” asked Baton Rouge resident Dwayne “Big D” LeBlanc. “I ain’t switching from my F-150 for no spaceship car, I’ll tell you that much. And if he thinks he can come into Tiger country making threats, he better be ready to get tackled by the whole offensive line.”
Many LSU players were confused by the announcement, with some unsure how it even affected them.
“Man, I drive a Dodge Charger,” said senior linebacker Terrence “Tank” Washington. “I thought Tesla was a band or something.”
Quarterback Keon Braxton took a more philosophical approach. “Look, I’m just trying to graduate, win the SEC, and get drafted. If Elon Musk wants to put rockets on our cleats, I’m cool with it—as long as they help me scramble.”
Never one to back down from controversy, Musk took to X (formerly known as Twitter) to escalate the situation.
“LSU’s lack of vision is deeply disappointing. I will now personally monitor Louisiana license plates. Tesla AI will reject all purchase attempts. Resistance is futile. #BanTheBayou”
He also posted a poll asking his 175 million followers: “Should Tesla create its own college football team and join the SEC?”
Surprisingly, 68% of respondents voted “YES — Call them the Tesla TechnoTigers.”
Legal experts are already questioning whether such a ban would be enforceable—or even legal. “There’s no precedent for a private company banning sales to an entire U.S. state based on a college football disagreement,” said Professor Martin Walsh of Tulane University Law School. “But with Musk, the normal rules of business and logic don’t really apply.”
Some believe the move could land Tesla in hot water with federal regulators. “You can’t just geo-fence your cars from a region because of football,” said a former FTC attorney. “This is beyond antitrust—it’s anti-common sense.”
The rest of the SEC is watching the saga unfold with popcorn in hand.
Alabama head coach Kalen DeBoer grinned during his latest press conference. “We’re just glad Elon isn’t mad at us. Yet.”
Ole Miss head coach Lane Kiffin tweeted:
“If LSU doesn’t want those Teslas, we’ll take ‘em. Heard those things can hit 0 to 60 faster than our RB.”
Meanwhile, Texas A&M’s boosters reportedly began talks with SpaceX about building a launch pad inside Kyle Field.
This bizarre standoff could be the opening salvo in a new era where tech billionaires start influencing college sports more directly. With Musk firing the first shot, others may follow.
Rumors are already swirling that Jeff Bezos is exploring an NIL program for Amazon Prime Athletes, and that Apple CEO Tim Cook is negotiating with Oregon to design iPads into their uniforms.
College football has always been about passion, pride, and pageantry. But now, apparently, it’s also about electric cars, brain chips, and quantum offensive schemes.
For now, LSU appears unmoved. There’s been no indication that the university will engage with Musk’s demands. But in the unpredictable world of Elon, the story is far from over.
In the meantime, Tesla dealerships across the South are bracing for impact, while LSU fans are beginning to place pre-orders for Ford Lightnings and Cybertruck rivals… just in case.
As Musk signed off from his livestream, he left the world with one final warning:
“You can cheer for the Tigers, or you can drive a Tesla. But not both.
