Indiana Fever Sign 6’8″ Ex-Wrestler and Bear-Slayer Gertrud Schlaghammer to Protect Caitlin Clark From Future Hard Fouls

In what might be the most unexpected and intimidating signing in the history of professional basketball, the Indiana Fever have added Gertrud Schlaghammer to their roster—a 6-foot-8, 39-year-old former Olympic Greco-Roman wrestling silver medalist, ex-German special forces operative, and self-described “friend to no animal that threatens biodiversity.”

Schlaghammer, who has not played organized basketball since middle school in rural Bavaria, is perhaps best known for her legendary role in “Operation Quiet Fist”—a covert military action in which she led a team to eradicate an invasive species of aggressive Alpine bears without the use of weapons. Official military reports credit her with “employing a mix of strategic grappling, psychological warfare, and intimidating grunts” to drive the bear population out. The operation remains classified in most European Union records, but those familiar with the mission still whisper her codename: Esel-Halsschlag, which roughly translates to “Donkey throat puncher.”

The Fever made the announcement on social media Wednesday morning, posting a video of Schlaghammer walking out of a transport helicopter in full military fatigues while holding a basketball like it was the head of a vanquished foe.

While basketball may not be her strongest skill, Schlaghammer is being brought in for a very specific role—protecting rookie sensation Caitlin Clark.

“She doesn’t speak much English,” Clark said with a slight laugh, wincing as she removed an ice pack from a fresh bruise. “But when we first met she told me, ‘No one touch you now tiny sexy bird lady.’ I cried.”

Clark, who has endured a barrage of hard fouls and excessive physicality in her first WNBA season, appears to be getting some much-needed reinforcement. While Fever head coach Christie Sides hasn’t confirmed what Schlaghammer’s playing time will look like, sources say the 6’8” enforcer will remain on the bench unless Clark is the victim of a flagrant foul. At that point, “she will not leave the court until she is either ejected or physically removed by officials.”

Team executives have been tight-lipped about how the signing came to be. One assistant GM, speaking anonymously, said, “We needed someone who could change the tone, make opponents think twice. She may not score, rebound, or know the rules, but intimidation is a stat too.”

When asked how she felt about joining the Fever, Schlaghammer responded with a single sentence in her native tongue: “Ich bin bereit zu zerstören,” which, according to team translator Otto Gerber, means “I am ready to destroy.”

The WNBA, for its part, has issued a brief statement acknowledging the transaction and noting that they are “reviewing the terms of Schlaghammer’s eligibility and behavior protocols.” However, as there is no clause in the league’s collective bargaining agreement prohibiting the signing of decorated combat veterans with minimal basketball experience, there is little they can do—yet.

The signing has already had ripple effects across the league. The Valkyries, Thursday night’s opponent, have not confirmed whether their players will take the court. One unnamed player was overheard asking her coach, “Is it too late to pull a hamstring?”

A video circulating online allegedly shows Schlaghammer practicing by lifting a practice dummy over her head and drop-kicking it into the stands. The Fever’s strength coach reportedly described her vertical leap as “scientifically improbable.”

Social media has erupted with both memes and questions. Twitter/X trends include #ProtectClark, #EselHalsschlag, and #WNBABourneIdentity. Some fans are calling her the league’s first true “designated defender,” while others suggest the Fever may be ushering in a new era of psychological deterrence.

Yet despite her formidable presence, Schlaghammer has shown a gentler side as well. A team intern posted a photo of her gently braiding Clark’s hair before practice while humming what was described as “a hauntingly beautiful Alpine lullaby.”

“She’s intense,” Fever forward Aliyah Boston said. “But she made us schnitzel and apple strudel after practice, so it balances out.”

Opposing players are understandably wary. Las Vegas Aces guard Chelsea Gray quipped during media availability, “I’m not saying I’m scared. I’m saying I respect international law and don’t want trouble.”

Fever practices have been closed to media since Schlaghammer’s arrival, reportedly to protect photographers from “accidental intimidation injuries.” The team has added new insurance policies and required all referees working Fever games to undergo de-escalation training.

Clark’s college coach, Lisa Bluder, expressed cautious optimism. “I’m glad Caitlin has someone watching her back. But I hope this doesn’t turn into The Expendables: WNBA Edition.”

For all the fanfare and fear surrounding her, it remains to be seen whether Schlaghammer can actually play basketball at a professional level. However, it appears her presence is not about finesse, but message-sending.

“She is like old clock,” said Fever assistant coach Bruno Garibaldi. “Maybe not perfect time, but you always know when it’s midnight.”

In other words, opponents may want to think twice before throwing another cheap shot at Caitlin Clark.

Thursday night’s game is now expected to draw record ratings for the Fever. Some fans are tuning in for Clark’s signature shooting. Others just want to see what happens when a special forces wrestling legend checks into a WNBA game.

One Valkyries player summed it up best: “If I get dunked on, I can live with that. If I get donkey-throat-punched by a war hero in size 17 combat boots, I’m retiring.”

Gertrud Schlaghammer’s jersey will be available in select team stores starting Friday, in sizes ranging from XS to “tactical armor.”

Let the games—and perhaps a new kind of reckoning—begin.